A moment of confidence

10/27 Okay, okay, I'm gonna be okay. G-bus, I just sent out a whole batch of these sad sack letters, "I'm lonely; school's frustrating; it's been tough adjusting." Wah, wah, wah... Tonight, I feel great and that those letters must sound something like my little sister's current warrantless bawling. [seriously, ten minutes ago she was giggly, and for NO reason she started whining and now she's giving the water works her all.]
Anyhow, a few things conspired today to perk me up. No school, to accommodate day two of the PTA meeting and thus, no chance of a lingering headache. Two good chats at the meeting, the second including a compliment about my speed in picking up the language. And then there was tonight's pre-dinner coffee and bs-ing with the fam. My auntie K was there, and I've always known I like her, though we've barely talked (language barrier). Well, we broke that streak and had a great back and forth about vegetables, my host dad (Pasiano) and I starting a garden, and her sneaking into it in the dead of night to steal our tomatoes. Man, she got me laughing like I haven't in over a month when she told me she would wait till we were all sleeping and then make off with our crops. They all took note of my uncharacteristic outburst of mirth (at least from their experience of me). Shocked 'em a bit, in a good way. 
So how vain does that make me? I feel my best about being here when I'm being praised or feeling especially competent linguistically. Shouldn't I be consistently appreciative of all that's done for me and the amazing gift this experience is? Damn straight, I should!
I can't help thinking I've become a big douche since coming here. Well, maybe I've always been one, but it seems more pointed here. Anger and frustration well up far too easily, along with feelings of being offended or slighted. And I know Micronesian culture too well to give myself a pass; I make mental note of what's happening culturally to rub me the wrong way, acknowledge that the way I'm taking whatever it is (as an American) isn't the way it's meant by the local, and I still let it get to me. What the hell, right?
And here's what I'm coming up with now. Whether or not I'm naturally a jerk, another very significant factor of my persona defect is feeling isolated from/unconnected to the people on the island. Just this morning, we were at the cook house, the fam and I, drinking coffee. They were all inside and I was on the outside. Seemed a perfect analogy to me of my whole existence on-island. Tonight I'm inside the cook house, drinking coffee and chatting with the fam, and THAT feels like a perfect analogy too - even complimentary to the morning experience.
My perceived closeness to others in my new family/community (however accurate) fluctuates easily and has more of an effect on how I feel about the whole of this Peace Corps assignment than any other aspect of the experience: language ability, job performance, how manly the other guys on-island consider me, support from PC staff, personal health, having things to do, whatever. 
In Woleai, I felt the same, though it was much more narrowly experienced. If I was getting on well with my host mom, Lewechipy, everything rocked, and vice versa. Here it's much broader, and little connections with various folks, like a good chat in English or a shared laugh in any language, help me feel settled and peaceful. Just leeching off the communal feeling of Sunday church services goes a long way for me, and I don't even share their faith. 
Point is, today was a good day, and I see that things are generally improving. And I hope the trend continues... And that I find a way to be a higher quality person, but that's gonna be a life long struggle.