A tidal wave of doubt

11/9 So what did you think of when you applied for Peace Corps or when you were invited? Probably some really mind blowing cultural experiences, language fluency building, relationship forming, doing important works with locals and feeling an overwhelming sense of purpose as you pursued your dreams. Probably not sitting down shortly after one year of service, drinking whiskey and water, looking at yourself in a mirror properly for the first time in over a month, searching the face -- over grown with hair -- like it belongs to someone else, mourning the death of a friend and wondering whether your time in Peace Corps has affected anyone other than you and the people who miss you back home. 
You probably thought there would be challenges but that you'd meet them gallantly, with honor, poise and selfless grace. Probably didn't think you'd find out some ugly truths about yourself, like you become incredibly self-centered when you feel stress, incompetence and isolation or that you let your emotions get the better of you and find yourself having petty arguments over issues you know -- solidly know -- aren't at the source of disagreements you're having with your host father or that you'd become accustomed to the 'honored guest' treatment, so much so that you come to expect it and even feel annoyance when you're not served first or specially accommodated beyond others. 
You probably didn't think you'd feel like an unappreciative prized asshole half the time. You probably thought you'd give and give and give, show the best of the US and win people over with your positive attitude and indefatigable spirit. Didn't see those days spent lying in bed, full of doubt and disillusionment. Didn't expect to be called out on your disrespectful 'American ways' and feel wrongly abused rather then bashful and apologetic. 
Oh the places you'll go and the doubt and frustration that will be sown in your mind and the sorrow and anger in your heart.