Once a role model

I was once a role model. Burgeoning Peace Corps Volunteers, bound for Micronesia and the many fascinating discoveries to made therein would search for their country of service on Google, on Youtube, on PeaceCorpsJournals.com. They found many blogs--some more well updated than others--some pictures, and a few videos. Some of this interweb media happens to have been generated by myself. The earliest of it radiated joy and fulfillment. More recently it's taken a turn for the somber. As was mentioned in an earlier post, at least one current PCV found himself excited at the possibility of emulating my service. Now... when I consider what I've accomplished/failed to accomplish, I come to a particular conclusion. I am both exactly what every incoming trainee should strive to be and nothing that any future Volunteers should hope to become.

On the rock solid side, I've persevered through hardship (not the pinnacle of hardship by any means, though) and stuck with Peace Corps--even still revering what Peace Corps does/strives to do. I've shared my experience to the best of my ability with people back in the States. My outlook on Micronesia has remained, by and large, sunny. Deep relationships have formed between host country locals and myself. I've learned and participated in several local cultural skill-events. I'm strongly considering a third year of service. I'm on good terms with my fellow PCVs and PCMicro staff. My language skills are conversational, for my original placement site. Outlook for the next year is highly optimistic. I'm physically healthy.

On the 'don't do as I do' side of things, I've moved sites, and due to that move (as well as personal shortcomings) I've hardly seen any achieved progress over the past five and a half months. I've lost a close friend, whose death is still surreal yet ever-present. My doubts, fears, frustrations, cynicism, ambivalence, and sadness are at all time highs (save for those 'heart break recovery' moments of adolescence/young adulthood). I'm in no better position to make a positive impact on my community than I was before I swore-in as a PCV. Withdrawing (from everybody and every place imaginable) has become one of my primary habits. My pride has me wanting to be known as a so-called 'super volunteer' while my self-loathing has me wishing I'd be revealed as the sham of a PCV that I am. I disappoint myself on a daily basis, so thoroughly, I'm not even upset, I'm impressed. I get lost in daydreams of what life would be like, had I been assigned to another country. My parents are worried about me, my future, and how I'll continue on with life, from this experience.

A very limited, select few, of my fellow Americans have wished to 'be me'. I hope they find the irrational Peace that is enveloping my life, but I hope they avoid so much of my experience in the Peace Corps.