At the end of September 2009 I moved from the first phase of pre-service training in Madolenihmw, Pohnpei to the second in Colonia, Yap. Somewhere between the two locations and phases, I slipped loose of a personal foundation I'd been building since my freshman year of high school. I lost my footing, eventually experiencing a good measure of depression and withdrawal from the community in Woleai. Understanding of what was going on came after a few weeks, and I rebounded. My footing stayed a bit precarious but I finally realized it--a big help.
In-service training one brought on anxiety for the fear of being too long gone from Woleai. Happiness filled my cup to the brim when I did get back, but frustrations in the community and at work crept in, making things pretty slippery again.
Then it happened. It wasn't an overnight transformation, but over a few weeks I found a place, dug out a fresh foundation. It was amazing. I felt more grounded than I had in months. I rode that feeling into the second in-service training. Little did I know. The close of Woleai at the end of May obliterated what had been built and marked the beginning of the most turbulent, emotionally unstable six months of my life. Worse than my first broken heart--some of you know the full meaning of that statement; you saw what a mess I was then.
I drank too much, allowed anger to seep into my core, and simply was torn up over the transfer. Two months after leaving Woleai, I gave Yap one last look as it receded into the horizon. I then spent ten days in an alternate reality of joy and bliss on Falalop before heading onto Houk. Best week and a half of my service and high up on the lifetime charts. Didn't last, of course.
Three weeks on Houk followed and I never really settled in. Some health issues and trouble letting go of Woleai left me restless. I took the first opportunity to get into Chuuk main island.
A month on Weno, getting to know my new supervisor and cohort of PCVs, as well as other members of the Chuuk volunteer community, and getting equipped for the new site ensued. It was pretty solid, but I was ready to get back to work.
Five more weeks in Houk. I was lost, foundering and lonely. But things turned a corner, and I felt revitalized as things picked up with my host family. Then the news of Andy.
I was rocked, my whole world shook and darkness crept in through every crack. November was a month of inner turmoil, tremendous self-doubt and timely support of friends and family.
I came close to breaking down several times. Tears welled up but didn't fall till I was in Pohnpei. It needed to happen, I think. It'd been over five years since I'd cried, and I was starting to wonder if I still could. I can.
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